if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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