You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
