dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Gay?
German.
Pity.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
