What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
