I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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