Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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