ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
