I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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