I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
