You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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