hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have demons in me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
