I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
