We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
