she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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