I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
