Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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