i always forget guys have bellybuttons
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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