I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize