my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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