Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
