not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
