Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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