he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
