Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
