drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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