In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
