I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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