just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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