Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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