Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
