Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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