we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
