when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
