so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
