I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
