This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We are all done wearing pants today
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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