so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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