Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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