haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I touched a dick in church today
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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