I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
