and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize