thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
