dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
