My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
