I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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