big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
