Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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