He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
