anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
