Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
