She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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