My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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