My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he thought i was a dude.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
