My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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